The Bookworm Blog!


Reliving Pain by fsad

It’s OOC, and it would never happen, but I just love this. It’s so sweet…

Reliving Pain

True, from a perspective, I’ve always been a little maniacal. With the religious acts and the human anatomy splayed right in front of me countless of times. Right now, though. It’s different.
Those nasty therapists say I’m mental ever since Kakuzu died. I tell them straight up; I hear him talk to me, console me in my sleep. When it snows, I can’t help but think about him.

Pein told me the therapy would help. Fuck that. Those people in glasses and white suits didn’t get me. Staring at me, with pencils scratching away at their fancy ass clipboards. I feel trapped here. One of the nurses – can’t remember her name – asked me if I was on any medication. Medication, are you serious? Fuck no. I’m just here because my pansy ass coffee shop boss brought me here, you dike. Needless to say, her face was a horrible shade of puce after I told her where she can stick her scalpel.

“So, Mr. Logan, please tell us your deep feelings.” For one, I laughed. The false name I gave them was so no one could tell it was me. I didn’t gel my hair back for obvious reasons. Apparently, she didn’t figure out we weren’t on the same page, so the questions hammered on.
“It’s ok to express. Come on.” Yeah, like I’d tell you. The only person who I confided to, the only person I shared deep emotions for, was simply gone. Vanished; wiped off the earth. Facing this alone was all I could do. None of my friends were so supportive. The quick glance, the nose upturned like you smelled a piece of shit walking by. I’ve seen it before. I have a lot to say yet my throat is dry. Those people are just fathoming. I really want someone close.

“I can’t take this.” Finally, my voice summed up enough courage to come back. My hand lashed out, knocking the vintage lamp over. Shards of the ceramic green material clung to the itchy floor. There sat my doctor, stone faced. For added measure, I punched in holes the size of my fucking fist into the wall. Shit man. It hurt so much; but I can take the physical stuff. This brutal emotional massacre was too much to hold.

The door made a resentful slamming noise on the way out. How could they do this to people? Fucking keeping them cooped up there? With Mr. ’Feel’s good?’ If that weren’t bad enough, all those other people just stare at you, wondering what’s got you so down. Like it’s any of their business. I shoved my hands into my jacket pocket and walked out of the wooden door, precipitation greeting my face.

Thunder rumbled; and to my distaste the rain was a downpour. Still, the sign was there. I was alone. Alone, lonely, unreasonable coldness. I didn’t exactly find this funny. People stomped in the puddles around me, shrieking like girls. My apartment felt so far away, even if it was a couple of blocks. My feet padded the concrete sidewalk heavily. The whole world seemed to sag on my shoulders.

Up ahead, the building came into view. Practically exhaling a breath, I jumped up the slippery stairs all the way to the third floor. I have to admit, I didn’t think I was fucking mentally stable enough to make it all the way home. My keys jingled as they were pulled out of my jacket pocket. I stuck the key in, but no luck. My eyes welled up with nostalgic tears as I remembered it was Kakuzu’s car key. Swallowing my pride, I used the other key, and let myself in.
The warm smell of pumpkin spice greeted me. It was his favorite. I just couldn’t let it go so quickly, so heartlessly.  My shoes seemed to slip off in my daze; my keys dropped to the counter; and my jacket pooled at my feet. The flat screen’s glare light up with the lightning.
“Just another day,” I said to myself. “Just another long day.”

Menacingly, the red light on my phone flashed. 3 new messages. Not like I cared what they said, but the thought of checking was reason enough. The listing made it from most recent to older.


Wednesday, June 29th, 3:45 PM
‘*Beep* Hello this is Mr. Rumi of the-’

Delete.


Saturday, June 25th, 11:34 PM
‘*Beep* Yo Hidan man….I’m sorry. I checked the hospital, they said he di-’

No you aren’t. Delete.


Saturday, June 25th, 5:28 PM
‘*Beep* Hey baby. I’m sorry I’m not home now. The weather’s terrible, it‘s going to be like this all week. I’ll be there soon. I’ll take you out. Just me and you. Alright? You little shitrag, making me be a pansy like this, but I love you so much. See you later.’

End of messages. If you’d like to delete any remaining messages, press 1 now.

The little red button called me, but I simply couldn’t. It was his voice, his sultry voice. My tears broke free and ran down my pale cheeks, messing up my porcelain skin. I didn’t care about the tear streaks, they’ll just pile up onto each other, clogging my pores.
I couldn’t believe the irony in his message. The weather, being so terrible, was his ultimate demise. Mother nature fucking hated me.  It was a pure white out, so bad, Kakuzu couldn’t see that other car…

“Fuck you.” I didn’t know who I was speaking to in general. My eyes darted to the keys sitting on the counter. The rain was finally letting up. Maybe now I could go get a drink. Getting royally smashed was the only coping method I could think of. Opening the door, I stepped out, barefoot, and closed it behind me. I jumped down the flight of stairs, something I mastered when I first moved here. Kakuzu and I would always make it a game, to see which one could land on their feet the best. Kakuzu always won, always laughing at me. Until I punched him in the gut. Afterward, he’d pick me up and throw me into the bushes. Bastard.
I got rude stares in the bar. No shirt, no shoes, no service, I thought. I was just going to buy a drink. Lined up in a special case were expensive fine wines, whiskeys and rum. No matter on what I got; the man gave me a random bottle of hard whiskey, the bottle longer than I could imagine. So was the price. I chuckled, handing over the cash and speeding out. It was already raining again. Without my hoodie, I was good as soaked.

“Gwuh….ugh…” Street lights all around me swarmed in my head. Vision wise, I was screwed. Fucked up, if you will. My hair a mess, my shirt dirty, I couldn’t remember where I went off to with my whiskey. Speaking of which, the bottle was almost gone. Heavy dosage I was taking. Strong stuff would do that to you.
The paved roads around me were empty. My eye caught a sign, my favorite restaurant sign. It glared at me, it’s happy symbols buzzing my freaking ears off. The neon lighting messed me up pretty badly.

“You…you asshole! You promised!” The lights flickered, thunder clapping in the background. It lit the night sky up so brightly I nearly lost balance.
“Think you’re some…ugh…hot shit huh? Don’t even…RAHH PICK ME UP!” I over exerted myself, throwing the bottle at the sign. Sparks flew out as it smashed, contents mixing up in it. Eventually, the sign died. It never stood a chance.

“You loved me! And now you just go….and die like that!? Wazza matter wit you, cat got your tongue? Don‘t wanna admit to your driving mistake?!” I know Kakuzu couldn’t hear me, but being drunk shitless does this to a person. I missed him, so terribly. How could he just get into an accident and get killed? Neck snapped, instant death. The other motherfucker got out with a few broken bones. The asshole. If I found him, I’d murder himself, leaving entrails across the scene of the mutilation.

My sobbing was so loud, I thought the apartment complexes behind me were going to shush me quiet. All in all, I looked terrible. My necklace swung like a pendulum across my chest, taunting me with every move. There was no chance in hell I was seeing him again. I wouldn’t hear his voice call ’Hidan’ or yell at me. My lank white hair tickled my face as I dropped to the road, hard. Lightning cracked at me, as if it was laughing. Shut the fuck up, let me be in peace.

“Hidan, you’re being reckless.”

My tears came down harder. I never cried. Ever. The bastard brought it out in me.

“I know….but I loved you.”

The rain fell down so hard I felt like I was being beaten by thousands of rocks. Just rolling off my skin and seeping into my shirt, the rain never let up. I cursed down all the heathens who wanted this pain. The so called acquaintances who just wanted to forget about him needed to fade way in my memories. My head tilted back, so all I saw were long rain droplets, hitting my eyes in slow motion.
“Kakuzu, are you crying for me?”

Even I sensed it. He was weeping for me, just as I wept for him.

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